Thursday, April 12, 2012

A Modest Proposal

I have found myself very empathetic to the college student’s plight in the last few years. With a falling employment rate and a rising tuition cost the cries of “but I’m just a poor college student!” ring out in every dormitory, library and coffee house. The price of doughnuts, lattes and gas are rising nearly every day and constantly sucking the twenty-something’s wallet dry.
            In compassion for their plight I have just a small modest proposal. There may at first be some outcry against this proposal by college authorities but I am confident that they will come into agreement with me. And it is this, that the female population under the age of thirty shall no longer wear pants.
            There has already been a general move away from slacks and jeans as young, and sometimes old women don black, brown, white or tan tights, sometimes called leggings. This is a brilliant scheme for saving money. Nice jeans can hardly be found for under forty dollars and good GAP slacks are fifty.  Tights are cheap, found at Walmart for a mere eight dollars, and are so incredibly comfortable that you feel as though you are wearing nothing at all. They achieve this sensational feeling by hugging and molding to every curve and crack of the female anatomy.
            The next step to feeling even more comfortable and saving over forty dollars is to stop buying and wearing pants at all. This will leave money for the poor college student to feed their caffeine addiction, and a little left over for gas to go home to visit their boyfriends. If the young ladies do not already have a significant other and are dying for a ring by spring, going pant-less will certainly gain the attraction of a few men and potentially earn them a husband and provider of coffee money.
            The most difficult obstacle I foresee in this money saving endeavor is the Oregon weather. It is cold and wet most of the year and would be miserable to be half naked. But again the women have half solved the problem already.  All women do, or should, own a long coat and tall boots in accordance with the fashion of our time. These two articles of clothing will save the pant-less woman from embarrassing goose-bumps and keep her warm and dry as she makes her way to class and work. Since women already own these articles of clothing they will not have to spend but will only save money.
            The logic of my modest proposal is hard to deny: women need more money and already are close to half naked and therefore can save their hard earned dollar by selling and no longer wearing their jeans, slacks and tights. I urge the administration to push this proposal into school dress code as it will result in more money being available for tuition and coffee in the Common Grounds and therefore will allow raises for faculty and Aarmark employees.
            My next proposal shall cover the need to remove the torturous device known as the female brazier from the store shelves and encourage women to no longer buy or wear them for much the same reason as pants, mainly that they are expensive and uncomfortable. But as women do not seem ready to accept that proposal I again emphasize my appeal to the thirty and below to stop wearing tights.

An Explanation
            One of my favorite satires is Jonathan Swift’s “Modest Proposal” with which he sought to bring attention to the suffering of the Irish and move parliament to approve some of his bills that would result in aid for the Irish.
            His title along with my disgust over the trend of wearing leggings instead of proper pants inspired this modest proposal. It disgusts me that young women advertize every curve of their lower bodies and think it looks good. I wish there was some polite way to tell them, “Honey, your fat rolls are showing.” And to the young ladies who are small and petite and can almost pull it off in a cute way, I want to let them in on what they are doing to the minds of young men.
            The one place I can tolerate and accept leggings instead of shorts or pants is at athletic events and practices because they allow comfort and freedom of motion for the athletes. But last year my husband, then fiancĂ©, asked me to wear running shorts over my workout leggings. He said that not only was it hard for him to practice with the distraction of my rock solid buns of steel [my own description, not his] running around the track but he was also jealous of the other boys who could see it too. This enlightened me to how hard women really do make it for men to stay pure with our tight fitting, low cut, and skin revealing fashions. In respect for him I did start wearing shorts over my leggings and now that we are married I ask him whether or not he is comfortable with what I am wearing into public places. There have been a few times I’ve needed to change into a different swimsuit at his request and I have because I not only want to respect my husband but also my Christian brothers who need as much help as they can get to stay mentally pure.
            Therefore I conclude that leggings/tights are not pants and should not be worn as such. I conclude with a picture, because it says a thousand words I cannot and wish not to express.
 Yes, she is wearing leggings, look at her ankles. 

To read my favorite satire piece, written by Johnathan Swift, also titled "A Modest Proposal", click here.

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