I have found myself very empathetic
to the college student’s plight in the last few years. With a falling
employment rate and a rising tuition cost the cries of “but I’m just a poor
college student!” ring out in every dormitory, library and coffee house. The
price of doughnuts, lattes and gas are rising nearly every day and constantly
sucking the twenty-something’s wallet dry.
In
compassion for their plight I have just a small modest proposal. There may at
first be some outcry against this proposal by college authorities but I am
confident that they will come into agreement with me. And it is this, that the
female population under the age of thirty shall no longer wear pants.
There
has already been a general move away from slacks and jeans as young, and
sometimes old women don black, brown, white or tan tights, sometimes called
leggings. This is a brilliant scheme for saving money. Nice jeans can hardly be
found for under forty dollars and good GAP slacks are fifty. Tights are cheap, found at Walmart for a mere
eight dollars, and are so incredibly comfortable that you feel as though you are
wearing nothing at all. They achieve this sensational feeling by hugging and
molding to every curve and crack of the female anatomy.
The
next step to feeling even more comfortable and saving over forty dollars is to
stop buying and wearing pants at all. This will leave money for the poor
college student to feed their caffeine addiction, and a little left over for
gas to go home to visit their boyfriends. If the young ladies do not already
have a significant other and are dying for a ring by spring, going pant-less
will certainly gain the attraction of a few men and potentially earn them a
husband and provider of coffee money.
The
most difficult obstacle I foresee in this money saving endeavor is the Oregon
weather. It is cold and wet most of the year and would be miserable to be half
naked. But again the women have half solved the problem already. All women do, or should, own a long coat and
tall boots in accordance with the fashion of our time. These two articles of
clothing will save the pant-less woman from embarrassing goose-bumps and keep
her warm and dry as she makes her way to class and work. Since women already
own these articles of clothing they will not have to spend but will only save
money.
The
logic of my modest proposal is hard to deny: women need more money and already
are close to half naked and therefore can save their hard earned dollar by
selling and no longer wearing their jeans, slacks and tights. I urge the
administration to push this proposal into school dress code as it will result
in more money being available for tuition and coffee in the Common Grounds and
therefore will allow raises for faculty and Aarmark employees.
My
next proposal shall cover the need to remove the torturous device known as the
female brazier from the store shelves and encourage women to no longer buy or
wear them for much the same reason as pants, mainly that they are expensive and
uncomfortable. But as women do not seem ready to accept that proposal I again
emphasize my appeal to the thirty and below to stop wearing tights.
An
Explanation
One
of my favorite satires is Jonathan Swift’s “Modest Proposal” with which he
sought to bring attention to the suffering of the Irish and move parliament to
approve some of his bills that would result in aid for the Irish.
His
title along with my disgust over the trend of wearing leggings instead of
proper pants inspired this modest proposal. It disgusts me that young women
advertize every curve of their lower bodies and think it looks good. I wish
there was some polite way to tell them, “Honey, your fat rolls are showing.”
And to the young ladies who are small and petite and can almost pull it off in
a cute way, I want to let them in on what they are doing to the minds of young
men.
The
one place I can tolerate and accept leggings instead of shorts or pants is at athletic
events and practices because they allow comfort and freedom of motion for the
athletes. But last year my husband, then fiancé, asked me to wear running
shorts over my workout leggings. He said that not only was it hard for him to
practice with the distraction of my rock solid buns of steel [my own
description, not his] running around the track but he was also jealous of the
other boys who could see it too. This enlightened me to how hard women really
do make it for men to stay pure with our tight fitting, low cut, and skin
revealing fashions. In respect for him I did start wearing shorts over my
leggings and now that we are married I ask him whether or not he is comfortable
with what I am wearing into public places. There have been a few times I’ve
needed to change into a different swimsuit at his request and I have because I
not only want to respect my husband but also my Christian brothers who need as
much help as they can get to stay mentally pure.
Therefore
I conclude that leggings/tights are not pants and should not be worn as such. I
conclude with a picture, because it says a thousand words I cannot and wish not
to express.
Yes, she is wearing leggings, look at her ankles.
To read my favorite satire piece, written by Johnathan Swift, also titled "A Modest Proposal", click here.
To read my favorite satire piece, written by Johnathan Swift, also titled "A Modest Proposal", click here.
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